Five Months Old Today !!! :) Long Postpartum Recovery !

Now that you have been napping for two hours I decide to start writing. I can't sleep, I just stare at you and wonder how you grew so fast before my very eyes. So chubby! So cute! So deliciously chewable and sweet smelling baby boy bundle of joy!!! I love your drool filled smiles and your giggles galore. I found your sweet spot on your neck and you can laugh as long as I have the energy to blow raspberries in that spot! I miss you when you are sleeping. Is that me loving you too much?! I think it's impossible to love you too much! It's so strange that I thought I couldn't share my love further! But the moment you were growing in my belly causing me all kinds of sickness from day ONE--probably the day you implanted I threw up cause I felt that cramping and thought it was my cycle coming early after a strange cycle---but no it was you!!! You set up camp and even had an Olympic size pool in my belly for comfort! (Polyhydramnios) LOL and now you have my breasts still oversupplied with milk you drink yourself silly all night Everynight!! People comment things like, "He doesn't miss a meal does he?! " And "what are you feeding him burgers?! " that last one was the pediatrician at your two month well visit. You weighed 17lbs 4 ozs at four month well visit and 26 inches tall! 

I am trying to practice peekaboo and mumumumumum so you can say it already like you I'd at two weeks old! But the truth is you haven't been crying as bad regularly as your colic beginnings. You have our moments but it's not three straight days a week like even last month! It's been gradually better and that makes me happy that you are crying less. Your nails grow so so fast and I trim them twice a week or else our scratch your forehead and me! You cuddle with my breast during nap and if I move you freak out and I get no cleaning done during the day. That's okay, I'm very anxious but I keep reminding myself a messy home equals a good mother. Even though all my strength is telling me over wise---OCD! :/

I was expected to go back to work by now but I dont think it will be a quick return as with your siblings. With your eldest sister I returned to college classes within weeks--like three maybe in winter session after I missed finals to have her. I went to work and classes with your sister and it wasn't until she was two that I went fully back -ALONE! I'm anxious because I haven't got anything in order like I need it organized and that may play a big part. It wasn't until this recent month that my back pain stopped being constant and I believe I'm regaining my core muscles from the hard pregnancy . I don't cry when babywearing and that is amazing! I thought I needed a miracle because I was not physically recovering quickly and you were four months already.

Now I feel over 50% physically recovered. Mentally I'm worse off then before pregnancy due to all the bedridden, home based, physically limiting frustrations! There is a lot of catching up I think and I believe a restructuring is necessary. My migraines are more frequent so I try to medicate but I cannot take anything strong because of breastfeeding. Even caffeine gys you wired and that is my saving grace! So back to the planning board with my doctors on that and hope my therapist and neurologist can figure this out for me because I'm stumped! I'm newly diagnosed with ADHD which I suspected from pith but thought it was bullshit until the symptoms came to me like a train crash from the frustrations of this hard labor and birth. I have been able to control it so I don't plan to medicate especially since I'm breastfeeding but therapy always worked in the past, this will just be specialized therapy for rewiring my organizational life attempts which are failing miserably. Wish me luck!